Have you ever loved so intensely that your heart didn’t know what to do. It’s struck by fear at the strength so it sort of wants to run. At the same time its so enchanted it wants to dive in with all abandon. Then there’s all the scars that lead you to question its true intentions. Then there’s the beauty that just leaves your heart to flutter. In one second it all hits you at once. Your brain doesn’t know what to think of all these conflicting feelings, so you stand there dumbfounded as your love walks away. You may manage to mumble something but it always seems to be the wrong thing. Then your heart is just left there with nothing and all you feel is pain.
I don’t live what I believe, so everyday I feel a piece of my soul die. The longer I hide behind this fake face I feel my heart slowly crumbling away. I stand with a smile, hidden tears underneath. I turn my back on the unsure love I long for. Instead I hold tight to a cheap imitation. I run from myself as my heart closes in. I’m ashamed of the hate I feel for myself deep within. I make excuses for the choices I make, but in reality they are just the easiest mistakes. I knew I couldn’t be perfect so I decided no longer to try. I will not cut or kill myself because that’s a guilty death. Instead I do everything my soul hates just to torture myself with the pain. The funny thing about this world is they encourage my self to abandon my should and to embrace this sweet tasting sin. This pain and this guilt are tucked into my mind catching fire and burning me from the inside.