Have you ever loved so intensely that your heart didn’t know what to do. It’s struck by fear at the strength so it sort of wants to run. At the same time its so enchanted it wants to dive in with all abandon. Then there’s all the scars that lead you to question its true intentions. Then there’s the beauty that just leaves your heart to flutter. In one second it all hits you at once. Your brain doesn’t know what to think of all these conflicting feelings, so you stand there dumbfounded as your love walks away. You may manage to mumble something but it always seems to be the wrong thing. Then your heart is just left there with nothing and all you feel is pain.
I don’t live what I believe, so everyday I feel a piece of my soul die. The longer I hide behind this fake face I feel my heart slowly crumbling away. I stand with a smile, hidden tears underneath. I turn my back on the unsure love I long for. Instead I hold tight to a cheap imitation. I run from myself as my heart closes in. I’m ashamed of the hate I feel for myself deep within. I make excuses for the choices I make, but in reality they are just the easiest mistakes. I knew I couldn’t be perfect so I decided no longer to try. I will not cut or kill myself because that’s a guilty death. Instead I do everything my soul hates just to torture myself with the pain. The funny thing about this world is they encourage my self to abandon my should and to embrace this sweet tasting sin. This pain and this guilt are tucked into my mind catching fire and burning me from the inside.
When you see me you see me as a porcelain doll up on a shelf. You see me as this fragile being. You know I’ve been through hell and back yet you’re determined its had no affect. You expect the best from me and anything else means I’m just a spoiled bitch. What you cant see behind this glossed on smile is damaged goods that’s barely holding on. I’m sorry if I can’t keep composure or always be your rock. You need too much from me and I feel I’m being drained dry. I’m sorry if I’m not you’re perfect angel anymore but the porcelain is cracking and all the Pain is leaking through. I’m damaged beyond repair so please just let me go. I’ll hurt you more then anything as I spiral from control. I’m holding on to my core being as I let these masks slide. Im scarred more then anyone truly knows so if you love me I’ll probably just tear you down more. I’m this blob of messed up feelings and I don’t understand it myself. Please take me off your pedestal but love me where I am. I’ll never fit the image you have of me in you’re mind, so please stop being shocked when I fall short everytime. If you want to stay in my life then show me you love me no matter what. I need a rock to lean on because I’m falling and I’m scared to death. I don’t know where im going so I just keep walking in circles instead. I can’t save you anymore when I need rescuing myself.
If I knew then what I know now I never would have waited so long. I would have ran up to you and told you exactly what I thought from day one. I wouldn’t have wasted all of this time alone pining and dreaming of us. I would have known you weren’t worth the heart I gave you. If I knew then the outcome of today I would have ran really far away. I would have sparred myself the tears and long lonely nights. I would have found a man who wouldn’t have taken me for granted who and Would have known I’m worth the fight. Don’t say you’re sorry now because what’s done is done. Don’t come crawling back because I know now what I didn’t know then that I’m worth more then you can ever fill.
I’m tired of comparing every man to you I’m tired of knowing in my heart what we could have been. I try to put you from my mind but you tear your way back in. I’m not sure what hurts me more, knowing I’ll never have you or knowing its because you won’t give me a chance. Every song reminds me of what I once hoped for your face keeps flooding back in. I’m sick of knowing its really over when it never really began. I’m done with looking for someone else to make me know you weren’t the one and to forget your name. I have to rethink everything because you screwed me up so bad. the doubts I have because I think that you should have been him. If only you could see my heart maybe you would know what I meant when I said I was meant to love you but instead you’ll just forget. The things that tore my soul out as you stomped it on the floor. all i have left to say is I just can’t take loving you anymore. I’m letting you go now so that you won’t toy with me anymore. You owned my heart so long but no longer will it morn. Please leave my life alone like shards of glass on the floor. I’ll piece it back together now all alone just like before.
There exists a moment that everything seems to make sense. When you can see that all of the little tiny life events that seemed meaningless are what brought you to here. You finally know exactly who you are, what you want, and what you believe in. It’s a feeling everyone at one point in time has wished for. However, when I was there it was the most frightening thing I’ve ever experienced. All of it teeters on certain facts you know to be true. Our lives change with every move we make and so does what we believe to be true. When suddenly those facts are crushed you are left falling faster and faster to the ground breaking into several pieces as you hit the bottom. You are left in a puddle of confusion drowning and gasping for air. You have no clue where to start at putting your thoughts back together. So, no I don’t ever want to be sure of who I am, what I want, and what I believe in ever again. I prefer to always be searching looking for answers and never thinking I know it all. That way I won’t ever completely break again. Maybe thats a cowards life, but I don’t ever want to be in that place again.
I lay here in silence and thoughts of you flood my mind. A moment does not pass without your voice entering my mind penetrating every thought. If I allowed myself I would slip into a dream. A dream where you choose me the way my heart chooses you every second. you would call my name with a longing and familiarity. Your eyes would not be vacant, but would be filled with a love that matches the one in mine. I can’t let myself dream in silence for when I awake I mourn what’s not and never will be all over again. However, a dream where I have you no matter how brief is better then any reality vacant of you.
You told me to trust you. You told me I’d be safe. Convinced me to put down my walls and let someone through. You said I was special that you’d be vulnerable too, yet I stand here alone broken and bruised. You pushed me away when I needed you most. My heart feels the pain as you simply let go. I made excuses as you walked away. I told myself it was just all just some phase. Now here I cry all alone scared waiting for you to tell me it’s all going to be ok. I knew better then to care again. I wanted to have someone to turn to when the world crashes in, but now there’s nowhere to go when the predator is them. The walls you wanted me to lower are going back up, and I won’t trust so easily ever again. You don’t even think that anything’s changed, yet my heart feels this chasm that I can’t shake. Your goal as my friend was to open my heart. You succeeded, but then just let it all fall apart. I’m walking away stronger than before. I know I’ll fall again, but this time I’ve learned. I’ll fall for the one who’s worth all this pain, but I’ll make sure before I give my soul away.
Dear Soulmate,
I haven’t met you yet and I am not really sure why. My heart aches, because I am worry you’re lost. I saved my body for you, but no one warned me to save my heart. This letter is to apologize for what you are getting yourself into. I am sorry to inform you that I have lent my heart to others. They didn’t take care of it. They smashed it and bruised it and tore it in two. I tried to protect it. In fact I built a wall. It doesn’t seem to be working though, because it just seems to be hurting me more. I really hope you can make it through. I may not recognize you at first, because others have been masquerading as you. They all promised they would care for me the way I know only you can. They all hurt me so bad. I cried so long with nobody there. I just wanted you there to hold my hand. Will you find me love? Will you promise not to hurt me? I understand if you want to run away now, but, if you decide it’s worth the pain you can have what’s left of my heart, every bit of it. All I want is you here with me. I just want to know you’re real. I want to know it was all worth it. Darling if you’re real I promise to give you all of me forever. Please just hurry.
